Wednesday, April 18, 2012

on the inside looking out

 es·o·ter·ic [es-uh-ter-ik] adjective
understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; recondite: poetry full of esoteric allusions.
Definition from dictionary.com


Exclusion eats at people's souls. At least, it feels like it to me every time I find myself in a group of people and realize that I am the odd one out. When you feel lonely when you're alone, that's perfectly justifiable. When you feel lonely in a group of people, especially friends and family when you are supposed to be intertwined, something begins to gnaw at your heart. The energy of togetherness is a power that you cannot manage to harness, and without it, a beast digs claws into your spinal cord and climbs up one vertebra at a time. Suddenly, everybody else is one step ahead of you, laughing at a private joke that only you don't understand. You're part of the crowd in presence, but not in heart. 

Sure, you can try to justify it. Christians can say it's because they are supposed to be in the world but not of it; they are set apart and will only feel inclusion in the next life. Individualists can say the world simply doesn't understand them, and that finding our own place in society apart from others is the way things should be. But I've never been satisfied with answers like these. They make me guilty for wanting to connect with people.

Networking with others has never come easily for me. I'm an absolute introvert (INFJ, thank you very much), and I'd rather read a book than go to a party. But even someone like me has the desire to engage in meaningful relationships. 

Human beings seem to be esoterically inclined. We create our own little worlds, little spheres of self, and others are allowed in by invitation only. But we don't always judge our status in the world by whose circle we have stepped inside, but by who and what steps into ours. Maybe part of the reason we don't feel like a part of anything is we haven't dared let ourselves. 

My name is Sarah, I am (as of only about a week ago) a 21-year-old English major, and I want to take a dare. I want to try new things, see new places, experience new cultures. I want to think and understand. I suppose you could say I want to broaden my sphere, but I also want to get to know better what's already inside.

After all, when creatures live for too long in your head, they begin clamoring to be released.

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